Italy, Switzerland, Belgium, France, United Kingdom, Scotland

You ever wonder when you hear your thoughts? Are they really your thoughts? There have been several instances in my life where I have wondered about it. Like being around someone and knowing what they feel, what they are thinking, or have done. Whether they are lying to me or not. I doubt most of these thoughts, because there is no real way to test it out without confronting someone. In most cases, people lie to protect themselves and this makes the relationship tense. I’ll give a couple of examples.

I. One morning I woke up and my thought was, he cheated on you. Instead of messaging my boyfriend to see what he is up to, I went over to his house unannounced. Unfortunately for him, he always kept the door unlocked, so I walked in and saw him sleeping next to a woman. She was wearing just a T-shirt and even then, he tried to say nothing happened.

II. I had a dream that I was in a car accident. It was so vivid and real; I recounted every detail to my mom when I woke that morning. When I came home from school, my mom was giving me a strange look. Turns out, my sister-n-law had been in a car accident just as I had described it.

III. I was sitting at a red light waiting impatiently for it to turn green. Normally when the light turns green, I like to gas it and go before the next light turns red on me. But I heard very distinctly in my head, “You should take your time on this one.” Now I thought that was a strange thought and decided to listen. Instead of hitting the gas pedal, I let off the brake and slowly applied pressure to the gas pedal. As I slowly went forward, a car flew past me, causing me to hit the brake again. If I had done as I normally did, I would have been smashed on my side. Resulting in death or serious injuries.

I’ve told some people this and they said, that is the Universe talking to you. I wonder if I am so connected to the source that keeps me safe and speaks to me daily. Then why do I feel that it is God and not the Universe? People tell me, it is the same thing, but I can assure you that although God is in everything he makes, that doesn’t make what he creates, gods. Bigger question for me is what is my purpose in life? What is my path, because when I retired at 28. All my normal responsibilities were stripped away from me. Normal person’s purpose to work, make a living, glorify God in the process. How was I going to glorify God, while sitting home alone, living off a monthly income until the day that I die?

I was at the tip of Italy, and I was ready to go back to the United Kingdom. I kept hearing in my head, go to Greece. I was poor, my credit cards had maxed out and I was tired of sleeping in my car. Ace’s leg was hurting him and traveling added to his stress. I didn’t want to go to Greece, it made no sense. Since I had no money and my generous family and friends who worried about my safety had given me money. I had no money to give my mom for the vet care of my oldest dog, Bella. Go to Greece, I kept hearing in my head. Thought after thought. No, I responded. My emotions began to swirl in anguish as I was not sure if it was the devil messing with me or from God. It made no sense to go and live in my car anymore. I craved security and comfort, which tore me from the thoughts pushing me to go to Greece. I headed back to the UK. Another thought came to me and it made me very upset, “If you go back, you will surely die.”

I was alarmed and prayed to God. If this is from you, please forgive me, please understand I am tired, I am done, at the end of myself. I need rest! I went through Switzerland and to my own fault, I got a flat tire. I was too busy taking a picture of the beauty around me while driving and hit the barriers that indicated the redirection of traffic. I also cracked my side rearview mirror. I was absolutely dismayed with myself. It cost me over $300 for the guy to come out and put my spare tire on my car.

The thoughts to go to Greece came back up. I became really upset. “Unless you give me another tire and money, I need to go back to the UK. My landlord had £30 to his account and Revolut took a week to transfer funds wirelessly. To the poor, this is forever without food and things. My mind was set, and I was going back to the UK, give the landlord what I owed him for keeping my things safe. Then I would go North to Scotland, where I first fell in love with the UK.

Mentally, I was still kicking myself for the stupidity and getting a flat tire. I had just had the thought too, to stop trying to take pictures of the land around me while driving. I stopped at a nearby town to let Ace use the restroom and possibly find a place to sleep for the night. Switzerland is obnoxiously beautiful, and they know it, that’s why it is so expensive. I walked Ace and spoke with a woman walking her two dogs. She told me she was from Hungary and had been in town for one day. She was a waitress and had found a job online to work in Switzerland at the nearby hotel/restaurant. Her passion was to meet and serve people, her passion was being a waitress. I found that so fascinating, as most people hate being a waiter. They do the job as a transition or starter job until they get enough experience to do what they really want to do.

She showed me where she worked, and we sat for a cappuccino. While we talked, whenever I said something funny, she would throw her head back and give the biggest loudest laugh. At first, I felt a little embarrassed by the sudden loud explosion that came out of this skinny beautiful woman. But then I decided that I liked her big personality and aimed to make her laugh more. We had a great walk, she showed me the community house, where we let our dogs off the leash, and I had another vantage point to look out at the huge lake with mountainous terrain going up the sides. I tried to take in every detail. Even the houses were special and had intricate detail done to the trim outlining the roofs and balconies.

We talked for a long while, sometimes you just know when you start to a special soul. You can talk for hours, but not many are like that. It got dark out, and I could feel the fatigue really set in. My new friend recommended a parking lot where I could take my car to sleep. I thanked her and gave her a hug goodbye. For a moment, I saw on her face that she was very concerned. I knew she would do more, if she could, but I assured her that I would be alright.

I headed back to the car and realized I should had used the restroom in the restaurant before leaving, so I stopped in a bar closer to where my car was. I was directed to the public toilets and then I looked at what they had to drink. I picked a drink and a bag of chips and asked the woman what the price was for each. I fiddled with my change, counting up every euro pence and realized I did not have enough for both. I picked one, the drink. An older man shook his head and told the woman in Swedish that he would pay for it. His friend next to him shook his head now, maybe not wanting his friend to waste money on a stranger. I was so thankful, if only he knew my struggle and how he just provided me with tomorrow’s lunch. Apple juice and a bag of chips.

I got in my car and went the route that was instructed by the waitress. It was so dark, and I couldn’t tell if it was a driveway or maybe a parking lot. I finally came to a parking lot, but it was to the left and not to the right as she had told me. I looked for parking signs that asked for payment, because I didn’t want a ticket. I tried to sleep, but I laid in my car reliving my stupidity and the additional cost. It was clear to me that I wasn’t going to sleep, and I was just wasting time. I turned the car back on and tried to set my navigation system and realized I had no data services. So I went back restaurant/hotel where I had connected earlier. I set my destination, I knew I had cell data when I was in France, so I figured if I got to France, I wouldn’t have a problem anymore.

Not knowing what my future was as the alarming thought of death stayed at the back of my head. I still pushed forward, determined to go back to the UK. I had no idea until later about the weather that France, Switzerland, and Belgium had while I was going through these countries. It was said that 8″ hail, ice falling from the sky, came down in Switzerland and France and Belgium had received strong winds. Also I was originally going to try and go to Catania, Italy but my friend never responded back to me. A months later, Mount Etna, erupted and I could have witnessed it.

I had been accepted into the University of Glasgow, and I found a room nearby the city. In my haste and desperation to find a safe place, I moved into a place that could have been my potential doom. All started out well and the man was kind, his girlfriend was kind and he had two cats that tolerated Ace. I was completely off my antidepressants, and I realized that I was struggling. I kept myself busy by cleaning around the house. Sometimes cups and things would be left and needed washing. The cats had worms and one would have diarrhea and track it on the floor and onto the only couch in front of the tv.

Most of the house was unfurnished and I slept on a single mattress on the floor. As I talked to my live in landlord, the more it sounded like he could kill someone, chop them up and put them in barrels of acid and left in one of the abandoned warehouses that he had done photo shoots of naked models. He admitted that he had a dream that he was desperately trying to kill someone. Later he talked about one of the model’s dark fantasies of being chased down by a killer and then raped. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to gauge my reaction, but he would get this look in his eyes for a moment. Then he realized I was just staring at him, he smiled.

I laid on my mattress on the floor all day, feeling the wave of depression. Ace’s leg went from bad to worse. We could no longer do our daily walks. I didn’t have the money to deposit for the visa for school and I couldn’t get another loan without a co-signer. I had until November to try and do something, otherwise I would be facing the unknown roads of Europe again. Or call it quits and transport my car back to America along with all my belongings and live with my parents. I walked downstairs to the kitchen and the mess was worse this time. My landlord and his girlfriend left dirty dishes in the sink, table and counters. He didn’t bother to clean the kitty litter and the cat pooped on the floor. I didn’t have it in me to clean up. I had barely been eating and felt nauseas as my stomach went into knots. I let Ace go outside to go pee and then we both went back upstairs to lay down and wallow in self-pity again.

When my landlord and his girlfriend came home, I could hear them talking but couldn’t make out what they were saying. Eventually I came back down hours later to let Ace out again. The atmosphere was different, there was a heaviness, and I could tell my landlord was not happy. Ace came up to him and he did not acknowledge Ace at all. Ace tried a couple of times, smiling up at my landlord but he continued to stare at the tv and did not say a word. Ace looked at me with embarrassment, as if whenever someone gets ignored and doesn’t know what to do about it. I called him to me and gave him reassuring kisses. I went back upstairs and laid back down. “He is going to kill you, you know that?” The thought came to me like an ice pick to the heart. All the comments he made about how he would dispose of a body, his dark fantasies. The thought “If you go to the UK, you will surely die.” When I was on the road was determined to come back to the UK. The memory of what it felt like when I said goodbye to my parents. We all three felt like it was the last time we would ever see each other alive. But, now I felt a fear like I had never in my life, felt before.

It is one thing to die by car accident, robbery gone wrong, or even cancer. But the thought of being at the hands of someone’s dark twisted fantasies end up in barrels of acid at an abandoned warehouse. My friends and family never knowing what happened to me. And what would he do with Ace, my beloved husky? This fear was so great, I felt paralyzed for a moment. I finally got up and got my throwing knives. I had no lock on my door, and I knew Ace would not be able to protect me with his hurt leg. I did not get much sleep that night, less than 4 hours. I had to imagine peaceful thoughts and tell myself that God is my rock and protector to get the few moments rest. Every time I woke up, the ice-cold sheet of fear penetrated my chest again. I was in a terrible state, and I needed help. I looked on Spareroom website for another place that didn’t require a deposit. I was still 7 days from my next paycheck but felt like I would even just die out of fear. I messaged a friend who I knew had the ability to house Ace and I. She was an hour away and I wasn’t sure I had the strength to pack up all my things, pack the car, and leave. I had to try and see if she would be willing. I messaged her first thing in the morning and then tried to get more sleep. I was so exhausted.

I had studied Criminal Profiling, psychology courses, Abnormal Psychology, and watched a lot of investigation shows. The mistake that victims made, were that they thought they were just being paranoid and someone could not possibly do something so heinous. These thoughts are supposed to be unimaginable, that is why it is so popular to study these things. Why and what makes someone do the unthinkable? But what if you are living with this possible scenario now and it was just a matter of time?