TESTIMONY

I had thought about not posting this week, because I couldn’t think of anything to talk about. But I had a feeling that an idea would come to me during church. In church, the pastor spoke about our individual journeys and being vulnerable, because God uses our weaknesses to do His mighty works. Three ladies came up to the podium and gave their testimony. Each with a different life experience, each just as impactful as the other. The theme of the testimony is the transition that happens because God used life trials as a lesson for enlightenment. So, I thought I would write about my testimony. Although, some things may overlap with previous blogs, but this is what I would say if I was standing in front of a congregation.

I grew up in a Christian home. I went to church on Sundays, smiled and said hello to people and called myself a Christian if anyone asked what I was. During the week, I lived my life as a teenager. I went through the awkward, emotional days, just wanting to be accepted and loved like everyone else. I never prayed or read my bible and when bad things happened, I was generally angry with God.

One Sunday, I came in as usual, just trying to stay awake during the sermon and daydreaming about things of the world. I didn’t come to church because I wanted to come. I came because that’s what my parents wanted, and I think I just wanted to belong to a community. There were cute boys and potential friends to be made. But on this particular Sunday, there were people who had come to give their testimony. They were so overwhelmed by love and gratitude for God that they started crying. I remember thinking, they are crying out of joy. I have never had anything that has made me so happy that I cried. I have only cried out of sadness, depression, and anxiety. I had absolutely no joy in my life to speak. Even though I grew up in a Christian home, it did not mean that it was a perfect spiritually loving environment. In fact, I was looked down upon as the youngest and called weak by my mother if I cried. I was not allowed to cry in my home, there was no comfort for my hurt.

I started to talk to God, openly and plainly. There was no thou art Lord, it was “God, I realized that I don’t love you. I know about you, but I don’t know you.” There was a shocking feeling in the realization that I didn’t love God. God knew it, but it never even dawned on me because the first commandment that I learned was to Love God. I continued, “I have never cried tears of joy and these people seem to know you in a way that has brought such love. Help me to know you and love you so much that I can cry tears of joy. Even if I have to go through the terrible things that they have been through.”

There wasn’t any sudden change in my life or feelings, but I know today that that prayer had made all the difference in my journey. God will not intercede unless we pray, or someone prays for us. When we pray for others, it helps those individuals to recognize and then make a decision. I have made my decision, and I am glad for what I chose, because even though I have been through a lot. I didn’t go through it alone, God was with me. I am alive in the Spirit, and I am literally alive despite living a life of self-destruction. I used to hate myself and have fury and anger raging so fiercely, but I never acted because I knew that that wasn’t who I wanted to be. So many times, I came close to dying and God protected me.

I was worldly, self-destructive, drinking, smoking, partying, having premarital sex. I was strong-willed, stubborn as a mule, ignorant, obnoxious, and self-sufficient. I trusted no one and only relied on myself to get things done. I had a fighting spirit and whenever pushed I would push back. My anger made me fantasize about being a vigilante, but the Holy Spirit convicted me on every turn and allowed roadblocks to appear with each step. I couldn’t even kill a bug without feeling bad and grossed out by the crunch under the shoe. Now I help flies out the window and let spiders do their thing. I don’t even hurt wasps, and they never seem to mind me, even when I have disturbed their nest by accident.    

So, I learned the value of life, even in the most unexpected and small living things. Everything is God’s creation and a part of God. Except mosquitoes and ticks, those are blood sucking demons. It is the midges for the Scottish people, every country has their own demon dominion.

The Holy Spirit brought to my attention that I never really thanked God for the good things, and I was always ready to be angry at Him when something bad happened… The deeper lesson was that I was to appreciate God, not as a “butler” or “genie”. I was expecting God to be a certain way in my life and only provide good and shield me from the bad things, but that wasn’t true love. That was conditional love, but to God, that wasn’t love at all. I realized I was not good to my God, and I felt bad about it. I made the choice to love God, even though He withheld things from me or doesn’t give me everything I want.

The book of James was very good for me to read in my early Christian years. Then the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. I read those books over and over to really study the walk of Jesus Christ. I had chosen a role model and the best role model I saw in the Bible was Jesus.

Like Jesus, the best practice was to talk to God at all times of the day as if you would family or friends. We need to talk to someone, we need companionship. Jesus was surrounded, so he left to have quite times with His Father. In my life, everyone seemed to find someone so easily, but I struggled in that area. I felt so set apart from the world, no matter how hard I tried, roadblocks appeared and all I had was God.

My health started to decline, and I could not drink alcohol anymore, I didn’t want to smoke or party. My health was so bad that I got medically retired at the age of 28. I lost my full independence, and it only brought me closer to God. But I would be lying if I didn’t say that it had destroyed me. My joy and purpose were in my work and my career. My ability to do things for others and feel important. I was the go-to person, I ran circles around others. I was the employee of the month, getting award after award for my diligence and exceptional work ethics. And then, I was nobody, no calls, no emails nor texts. Nobody visited me, I was alone, retired. My body hurt every day, and every day I suffered from headaches, stomach issues, muscle aches, mild fevers, and fatigue. I only heard from my family about once or twice a year.

The thing that kept me going was my involvement at church and my new status as guardian to two teenage girls. I still cried myself to sleep most nights, telling God that I was so alone and had no companion to give me aid or comfort. My relationship with my girls had healthy boundaries, because you can’t speak to kids the way you confide in a partner or friend. I had social anxiety and was getting to the point where I was afraid that I was going to have an anxiety attack when out at social events. Then, through circumstances, one of my girls told me that they felt that God wanted me to have a dog.

I was a cat person at the time, but Ace is the exception because God knew exactly what I needed. Strangely, I started to change for the better. I was less depressed and anxious. I wasn’t feeling alone, and people actually came up to me and talked to me. In the past social settings, I came up to people to talk to them and I just stood there looking awkward as they talked to each other and ignored me. Or they just walked away without acknowledging me. Once I was in the bathroom and 4 girls from work walked in. They did smile and say hi, but when I walked out of the restroom. I heard one of the girls say out loud, “I hate her!” And I thought, “Why? You don’t even know me.” It was true that the guys wanted to sleep with me, but I wasn’t on that path anymore. I was prudish and just needed a friend, but because I was young, single, and had my mother’s looks. Men were just lustful, but none of them were ideal for a long-term companion. Which to onlookers, didn’t matter because if I was seen talking to someone, then it was assumed I was sleeping with him. This was the military way, it was normal to be loose and worldly, but more fun judge others.

So, my new companion was a dog, a very cute, fluffy, blue-eyed dog that could howl “I love you”, “Hello!” and “How are you?”.  He can also say, “I know!” and “No”. Food and poop sound really similar to each other, so it really depends on his actions to guess which one he needs. Overall, the lesson I learned with Ace, is that God meets us where we are. There were people who disagreed with Ace being my service dog. They felt that I was idolizing and putting all my faith and trust in a dog. A church I was going to didn’t want me to bring Ace into the sanctuary. I had to sit in the back room and watch the sermon on a tv screen. I wasn’t allowed to bring him over to a family member’s home. I did go without him for two years, but eventually I felt like I was the only one trying to be a bigger person. When I said enough, then I had no other choice but to not come over because the other person lived by rules. I tried to explain that actually, I have to pray to God to protect Ace and to help me train Ace to behave properly in public. (Prayer really does work.) And the most important lesson I had learned by Jesus’s life is that He said when we are made new. We live by relationship, not by laws, like the pharisees lived.

Being a Christian is about relationship, about knowing God, not knowing about Him. One of the most significant versus I saw, was when Jesus told his disciples…

Matthew 7:21-23 NIV “Not everyone who says to me, “Lord, Lord,” will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, “Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name perform many miracles?” Then I will tell them plainly, “I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!”

How significant is the phrase, “I never knew you.”

So many people profess to be Christian, and not even half of them will go to heaven. Don’t be that, Christian. Don’t come to the point where the resurrection has come, in order to realize the true meaning of Christ following. Because at that point, you will be facing the guillotine.

I decided to include three of my favorite worship songs. God Bless!