Scotland

I had been out of the writing mode for a couple of weeks. I was house sitting while my friend went on holiday. I wanted to assure her, that I was fine on my own, but I have been feeling a little bit more anxious than normal. The thing about life is that you have to keep going. Whenever I was doing something that tested my physical or mental limits in the past. I would tell myself, “This is only temporary.”

That saying especially came in handy when I was doing a physical fitness test for the military. Despite training, I am no runner. It just caused more harm than good to my joints and ligaments. During times of lows and losses, I remembered that circumstances change and things do not always remain the way they are. “This is only temporary.” Should be put on my tombstone when I pass. All the Christians will rise and be alive again.

While my friend was on holiday, I brough in all the things from my car to sort through. I needed to shed weight of materials and purge some things that weren’t necessary. This is a difficult to do, because a lot of the things I brought from America in my car are sentimental or utilitarian. They are the reminders of the comforts I once had in a home in Ohio. Comforts seem like a blessing, but they can actually be a curse. You ever hear someone proclaim that they cannot live without coffee? Things that we grow attached to and when they are taken away, we lose ourselves and hope in the Lord. Comforts give us the illusion that we are safe and that nothing can disrupt our fragile lives, but we are all one heartbeat from eternity.

Some people are strutting their way to hell, like this life is all there is too it. Living fast and furious and dying young and hard. The others are doing everything they can to stay alive until they are ripe and old. This life is like a blip in comparison to eternity. Thinking that we have tomorrow, while today may be our last. That is how fast things can change. Once in hell, the weight is said to be unbearable. Not only is there extreme pain and fear, but there is hopelessness and all void of good and light. In this world, the worst things that I can imagine, I can say that this is only temporary. But eternity is eternity, it doesn’t end nor let up. There will be a thirst and hunger so overwhelming and never quenched. Some people are too comfortable and don’t want their lives to change but it will change, whether they want it to or not.

When I was 17 years old, starting in the year 2003, a girl from my work died at the age of 23. Her name was also Sarah. She had gotten in an accident months before, which triggered an autoimmune called Lupus. There were signs that something was not right; there was swelling in her legs, nausea, vomiting, generally unwell. But she thought she might be pregnant and through fear, just ignored all symptoms. Despite others telling her to go see a doctor, she ignored their requests and tried to continue as if there were no problems. Eventually, she passed out and was taken to the hospital unconscious. By then, she had jaundice, liver failure, kidney failure and was on the list for transplant. She was on machines, dialysis, respirator, and in a medically induced coma. She died 5 times before the family decided to pull the plug. A life that was short, a blink of an eye, never married, no kids, still young. Following her death, I witnessed 6 more deaths that year. The second was my Nana, who would not see anyone because of how the cancer ate at her. She did make one request, however. She wanted to see me. My mother couldn’t understand, she was hurt because she had really loved Nana and wasn’t allowed to see her. She made sure to let me know of her confusion and anger. Upon a dying woman’s request, I went to see her. I sat across from her. I was usually very quiet and listened to everyone speak, but I was so nervous during this visit. I talked most of the time. I asked her if she was going to heaven. She simply replied, “I don’t know.” And I was of no help to her because I didn’t know how to evangelize.

Talking about one’s faith is not easy, despite what critics might think. There is a lot of fear and doubt about one’s own capabilities. Public speaking is a fear, fear of being heckled and disliked is another fear. I did always feel bad about not leading my Nana to Christ when I had the chance. They said that after I left, she became confused and was calling her daughter by someone else’s name. She died shortly after. A week later, my other grandma died. During the summer, some high school boys my age, died in a drunk driving incident. During the fall, my uncle, a devoted Christian, missionary pastor, committed suicide. It came as a complete shock to the family, nobody knew how much he was suffering from pain, anxiety and depression. His decision to take his own life would later help me decide to keep mine. Lastly, in December, my sister’s father n law died of a heart attack just before Christmas.

Seven deaths total to conclude the year. It is a lot of death to experience in one year, but it is a valuable lesson. Death is 100%, we are not destined to live eternity in this body. The sooner you ingrain that in your thoughts, the sooner you can ask a follow up questions. How do I want to live my life? How do I want to die? I pray to God let it be that I die saving someone or doing His Glory. As far as my life, I think of Sliding Doors with Gwyneth Paltrow. So many forks in the road, that I have to pray and have faith that God leads me in the right direction. He knows already what I will decide and sets up lessons and trials for me on my way.

The death of my sister was a turning point for me. She died May of 2020, months after the pandemic started. The weird thing about death of someone you love is that it changes you. You can feel the change in your own personality, character, in your soul. Maybe you even become a bit more mature, if that makes sense. It makes you reevaluate your life and what your goals are. At the time I was living with my parents and I felt like I needed my own space to breathe. To just be…

Now, 2024, I want to be around a person, a friendly individual, without worrying about being alone or drama nor toxic behavior. I am torn between wanting to be comfortable and following my dreams to travel the world. My health often makes it uncomfortable to walk around and sightsee. So most of the sightseeing I do is from my car, while driving through the landscape. Not the best way, behind the wheel, makes it a little dangerous. Ace is not a fan of taking the backseat of the car for long periods of time. I think he misses loved ones that we left behind. His grandma, grandpa, Bella, Charlie girl, dog park friends. My latest episode of sickness, put me in the hospital for 4 days and Ace did not do well without me.

It started on a Tuesday, I was fine in the morning. I received some groceries, delivered to the door. I took Ace to get his Librela shot at the vet and then took him for a walk afterwards. I laid down because I was feeling tired, I had a headache and was cramping. I have PCOS, so it is often that I would get ovarian cysts that burst. As I laid, I felt a new pain in my upper abdomen. I got up for a moment and then decided to lay back down because I was nauseas and thought I might vomit. I tried everything I could not to. I took prescribed anti-nausea medication, but I started to vomit anyway and it was relentless. Like abdominal spasms, once I started to vomit, I could barely catch my breath before a spasm pushed more and more out of me. Between the pain and the vomiting bouts. I called the NHS number to ask for advice. It was determined because of the head and neck pain, to go to the Emergency Department in case it was meningitis.

I was so sick to my stomach, in pain and feeling weak, my friend gave me something to vomit in for the car trip. I had another vomiting fit. There was nothing left but thick orange substance. It had somewhat sweet and mostly awful tasting. Later, my friend let me know that I had a pale grey complexion and was sweating profusely. I remember feeling cold. I gave my friend my wallet and let her speak on my behalf. I was feeling too weak to tell the story of being sick to the front desk, the triage nurse, the nurse, then the doctor.

NHS prides itself on being free… Let me tell you what free medical care looked like from a very sick patient standpoint. I laid there for 2 hours as my pain increased to a 9 before they put a wrist band on. I vomited a couple times, once on the floor because I didn’t have anything to vomit into. And as I reported that I needed the restroom and as I sat up, liquid just came flowing right into my pants. I could not believe the lack of warning or control. What was done was done, my concern was that I wipe up and into something clean, but to do this discreetly in a private place. Not in the open room with an audience of the nursing station right in front of me. I let the nurse know that I shit my pants, needed the bathroom, and I was worried that diarrhea would be coming down my legs on the way to the restroom. She asked me, “What Do You Want Me To Do About It?”

Mind you, I was not prepared to tell the nurse how to do her job. But if I was able to have a clear mind and not think about the pain and feeling like I was going to pass out. I would have loved to tell her a thing or two. Like for one, go find an empty bathroom instead of what did happen; which was following her around several hallways before going to the 3^rd bathroom, not to two occupied ones and praying quietly that diarrhea doesn’t run down my legs. I would have liked to ask a couple of questions, like “Where did you go to school? Jobs 9 to 5? Is this a joke to you, Karen?! I have literally shat my pants, and you want me to tell you what to do?!”

Anyways, I was a conundrum to the doctors because my blood pressure was 120/80 and my heart rate was over 100. Then they finally did a blood test after waiting for what felt like forever. I was praying to God to just take my soul. He didn’t, so I reminded myself, “This is only temporary.” I was in so much discomfort with no relief for almost 3 hours. It took another hour the results to show abnormally high levels of white blood cells and inflammation markers. I didn’t have a fever, but after I was given medication to help with the pain and to stop the vomiting. I was admitted for observation, during that time I had developed a mild fever of 101.7 F and my blood pressure dropped to 90/60’s and sometimes 80’s/55. My heart rate remained over 100 during resting. It was clear there was something wrong, but the best answer they could come up with was mild case of gastroenteritis. It took 3 days before they got me in for a CT scan of my abdomen. No further labs were taken. The only medications I was given were for pain and nausea. One of the main priorities was to make sure I stayed hydrated. By the fourth day, I was ready to go home. I could take medication and sip water from the comforts of my friend’s house, with Ace by my side.

I was really worried about him. He ran away the first night I was gone. We assume he wanted to look for me. I had left in such a sickly state, that I didn’t say goodbye to him. Thankfully my friend found him, he was near the Premiere shop by the apartments her late brother used to live in. Ace started to rip things apart, fortunately they were my things and small things that were easily replaceable. However, he did put some scratches in the double French doors. It was minimal, but I really didn’t want to cause anymore stress to my friend. She was already doing so much for me, and I could never pay her back. Although, I will look for every opportunity to.

By the third day of my stay in the hospital, I remembered to be thankful no matter the circumstance. I thought of things to be thankful for and thanked God. By the 4th day, I was ready and able to check out of the hospital. Even though I took anti-nausea meds three times a day, I could barely get myself to eat. Crackers, ginger ale, soup, and water. I had lost 13 lbs in one week, half of it was probably water weight. It took a whole another week before I was back to normal.

Ultimately, it was a good thing that I had gone to the hospital rather than try to stick it out. I had gotten dehydrated very quickly between the profuse sweating, uncontrollable vomiting bouts and uncontrollable diarrhea. I had considered that my headache and neck pain was from a previous diagnosis called idiopathic intracranial hypertension (IIH). Which means that I get pressure on my brain for no known reason. IIH can cause cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) leak through the back of the head/spinal area and cause pain. Which is relieved when laying flat on my back and not sitting up. I mentioned this to the nurses and doctors, but hardly anything was passed on or communicated to one another. At times it was revealed that a nurse had given a shot for anticlotting and didn’t document it in the chart. Another nurse to give the same shot, but I let her know I had received it that night already.

That is what “free” healthcare looks like, which I need put in parentheses because nothing is free. Everything has a cost, and you pay those costs when you pay visa fees and taxes. That money goes towards public services and healthcare is facing major cuts by the government. In order for me to get an appointment with the doctor, I have to call at 8 am and hope to get in the call que to get an appointment for next week. They only schedule a week out and if you don’t get in in time, then you have to try again at 8 am the next day. Appointment times are 10 minutes, and you can only present one medical problem at a time.

With the decline in medical services, the risk of death is higher, the wait times for surgeries are longer. All the more reason to figure out how important the afterlife is, because we are not immortal. Shed the weight of death. Know that Jesus Christ died on the cross for all sins in order to pave the way for us to go to heaven. Shed the weight of your burdens of life because life is stressful and uncontrollable and put it in God’s hands. If you are called to, then shed the weight of materials and go on a spiritual journey to grow closer to God. And if you need to lose body weight, then pray to God to help you, but be aware that there are many different ways that can come about. I used to be up to 250 lbs and now I am around 213 lbs. Mostly denying myself of food comforts due to inflation, high costs of food prices, and needing to budget frugally. Plus the 13 that I lost from being very sick. (Not recommended way to lose weight.)

I learned that diet foods have a lot of foreign laboratory made ingredients that the body doesn’t know how to process. Mediterranean diet is wonderful, especially going to other cultures with skinnier populations and governments that regulate what is put in foods. Unlike American food… People are waking up to the toxins that are put in the grocery aisles. By now, the addictions are fierce and are very hard to step away from. I had to leave the country to stop certain addictions like diet Mountain Dew. Everyone including doctors told me how bad it is for you. My question is, if it is so bad, then why is it being sold legally in every store? Well, you can’t find diet Mt Dew in the United Kingdom or European countries. Thus, I quit. Now I am trying to figure out how to stay in the UK or raise £5,000 for the visa fee for one year! Then I decided to make the most of approximate and vehicle and travel around the parts of the world that I cannot easily get to in America. Hopefully one day I will make it to my goal weight of 160. A weight that the US Navy deemed borderline overweight. I only have 53 lbs to go or 24 kg for metric users/3.79 stone.