Scotland & Sweden

Last year, I set out to become a screenwriter by attending the University in London. This year I wait to see what God has planned for me. Although writing is still very much on my mind. I sort of fell asleep in a way. I started to watch more tv and play games on my phone. I felt more tired and wondered how I would bare the trip to Sweden. I would have to drive to the Ferry port, 5 hours from Tilli, then spend the night in the cabin of the ship. Then first thing in the morning, around 7:30 am, I would have to get up to drive 12 hours to my destination. Miraculously, I did it and I made it by the end of the night November 1st. Ace and I are in Sweden now, making new friends. The weather has been cloudy & windy, but in the little studio that I rented through Airbnb for the month, is warm & cozy. Inside a small studio is a Swedish-style-country-farm look, with chickens in the lawn pecking at the grass. I was happy that I remembered to buy a yard leash for Ace. Otherwise there would have been a great massacre on my hands.

After staying with my dear friend, who lavished me in comforts. The days had became short and moved too quickly. I wanted to hold on to the comfort of the bed, familiar faces, good food, even a hot tub! But her cheerful “good mornings” to Ace and his joyful howling replies as he tried to howl good morning in response. Now he sleeps quietly in his bed. Occasionally opening his blue eyes wide at the sound of strange noises. Creeks and thumps, sometimes scratching noises. I ignore the sounds, they bother me much unless it wakes me up, but we both just close our eyes and go back to sleep. What else is to be done?

Now that I am alone, my thoughts wonder more often. I remembered a Pastor’s wife call me “an Esther.” So these last couple of days, I have been reading the book of Esther. A life of being put in a position for when God will use His servant. Esther was asked to speak to the king and ask to spare the Jews. The problem was that unless she was summoned, he could be upset at her presence and order her to be killed. Her task seemed suicidal and all she could do is fast & pray and leave it in God’s hands. If God is the shepherd and we are the sheep, we follow Him. The ones who truly dedicated their lives to the relationship with Jesus, many were martyred. Dying to self, to flesh, in order to have eternal life. I think about my life and I do not feel like I am in a high status. I feel invisible, lost in the shuffle. The only thing that I can imagine close enough to Esther is that I am favored by God. I receive many blessings. My name literally means Princess, One who is favored. I receive monthly income though my pension. Like God is giving me free money without having to work. I am free to travel around, I am enjoying my crepes with syrup and hot coffee. In Sweden they call the flat pancakes, Pannkakor! Fries are Potatis. Exit is Unfart. I feel a bit immature because I smile every time I see the exit sign.

Anyways, I have many luxuries, more than what I need. Ace is treated like a little prince. He has two beds, a blanket and pillow and is surrounded by treats. He always like to lay with a treat, not to eat but to have. If he doesn’t have one, he gives a little whine with his eyebrows furrowed in sadness. He receives his monthly shot for arthritis and gets his daily glucosamine & collagen with his food. Oh! And he can’t just eat dry food, it has to mixed with wet food and with a little bit of cream cheese. Occasionally it is substituted with chicken or beef. Today was ground turkey.

So I know we are spoiled, which makes me feel badly when I start to complain. In the book of Esther, there are legitimate concerns and in my life, I feel mundane, bored, and fearful of sleeping my life away. Pain I can forget if I focus on other things, but tiredness I cannot ignore. I did learn that if you are excited about something, you get a burst of energy. That is why people with depression feel so tired. I could sleep all day and have no responsibilities, but the Holy Spirit gets on my case. I am supposed to write and I was thinking about all the individuals who go out of their way, relying on the miracles of God to evangelize in countries that strongly oppose Christianity. If you haven’t read, God’s Smuggler, I would ask that you take a look. It is a great biography of a man from Holland, a blacksmith’s son, who was an atheist but suddenly became a Christian and found ways to serve the Lord in the most amazing ways. Prayer and trusting that God will do what He does His way. That is the scary part is boldly allowing God to do things His way. You may get imprisoned or battered, but God’s Glory always shines through. Even if you don’t see it in that particular moment. That is my struggle, what I don’t see or feel. In that very instant, the pain, the loss, the doubt. I both want to and don’t want to be a suicide sheep. To be a suicide sheep, is tough, but it also means you are a warrior of light. When you die, you know that you lived your life to God’s best. It is time for me to wake back up and write again. Maybe if I earn God’s trust with what little I have to do here, then He will give me more.