Two years ago, I packed up on Christmas Eve. I couldn’t explain why or what the cause of my feeling of anxiety and pressure to leave. I can tell you my mom was not happy about me leaving the night before Christmas and dropping off my cats and Bella at her house. I couldn’t explain to her why it was so important for me to get up and leave.

But Ace and I were off, on the road, trying to get through the wintery storms sweeping across the nation. I stopped in Colorado to stay with my uncle for two days. The drive from Ohio to California is a very long one. Whenever possible, I reached out to friends and family trying to figure out where I was going to lay my head during my stay.

I had known one particular individual for 13 years. We had a brief fling in Florida when we were both stationed there. He always messaged me out of the blue to see how I was doing and to keep in contact. I originally was going to travel in January after the holidays, but I had to leave. I had to, the thought was that I would be too late if I waited…

I made it to California by January but hadn’t heard back from my friend. So I sent him a message saying, he didn’t need to sweat it, I found a place with my cousin and he didn’t have to ghost me anymore. I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t replying. I got a response from his mom saying he had passed on the 10th of December. That was the day we last talked. She let me know that his funeral was scheduled for the next day. At that moment, I realized, that if I had waited until January, I would have never made it to his funeral. Strangely, I remember that night of December 10th because something happened that never happened to me before. I was sitting watching tv. Ironically, I was watching Celebrity Ghost Stories, when I felt my right eardrum vibrating. Like someone was really close to my ear talking to me. You know that tickly-feeling when someone whispers into your ear? I just couldn’t make out what was being said.

The saddest part for me is that I had actually planned to go to California to see if there was something more to our relationship. I know we were not ready in our early 20s. Also, as soon as we began, I was scheduled to deploy to Kuwait. Why did I finally think to come just in time for his funeral?

I know…, not exactly the Christ Christmas you were thinking of reading about. It was just heavy on my heart. Maybe because I have been watching a lot of those cheesy Hallmark Christmas romances. We believe the key to our happiness is finding someone to hold for the Holidays. First of all, Christmas romances are unrealistic and are pure fictional stories. They can be harmful to the one who believes that that is how romance works. Plus, some of the women protagonist characters act like they have autism or some sort of mental disorder. I laugh every time I see the scene where the woman just “woke up” with her makeup perfectly done.

These movies also make me kind of depressed because it makes me feel like I’m missing out. That mentality can make single people desperate and settle for unhealthy relationships. How many single, emotionally healthy, handsome, successful men do you think exist out there? They are all in relationships already and if there is a hot single man, I guarantee he is a sexual predator, looking to bag as many women as possible. It is just the truth… Being ignorant does not make something magically appear out of nothing. Only Christ can create something out of nothing.

You want to know who my groom is? Christ. I will keep my lantern burning for the night that he comes. My name means princess and I have found my prince. He is known as the Prince of Peace, the King of kings, Lord of lords. So what if I am in love with a Deity, He is mine and I am His. He is perfect and good in all ways, the Alpha and Omega. The only one to die for me. The best ending is that He does not stay dead.

So many think He is just up there, but He’s not. He gave me a gift to make me feel better and that gift was a very special blue-eyed puppy. Sometimes I do feel alone. Sometimes God comes down and embraces us. Sometimes I am visited in my dreams and I cry because I feel pure love. Like every single atom that makes up the molecular structure of my existence is overwhelmed with love. I cry because I know He cannot stay, He belongs in heaven and I am still attached to this earthly realm. Do you know God, like this? You are missing out if you don’t. There is no stronger love than that between one and their Creator.

But for those who do not have a relationship with God and who have lost someone. Know that you are not alone; there are thousands of you. That is why Christmas is such a big deal. The thought of putting others before your own needs is rewarding. It fills the heart with joy because that is what we were made to do. We were made to love. We were made to serve each other with selfless love.

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